Living with HIV is not glamorous at all.
I just deal with it and learn along the way.
However, to provide authentic insight, I feel that it is important for me to be as open as possible even with things like this…
I never thought of myself to be a hypochondriac, but with this HIV thing, I don’t know anymore.
Because now, if anything goes wrong with my body, I automatically blame HIV as the cause.
Uh oh. Is this the cold that’s going to lead to pneumonia and take me out?
Or, I have bags under my eyes from operating under a lack of sleep.
Now I done started comparing my symptoms to that man in the movie Philadelphia.
And he died. 😢
Like my mind goes too far, too fast.
Although I am living with HIV, I still have these ignorant concepts of what I imagine this virus doing to a person’s physical appearance.
I’m anticipating the skinny, frail, sick-looking version of Ci Ci to show up at any time.
Take the sick. Left the skinny.
I know, sometimes I am just being irrational.
But I be scared as hell.
Like now …
So this rash has been growing on my thigh for over a week now.
(Top picture: December 23rd, Bottom picture: January 1st)
At first, I thought it was just a little dry patch of skin. No big deal.
But as the days continue to pass and this thing continues to grow, the more worried I become.
So now I’m all in my head like:
If this is something HIV related, that must mean my medicine isn’t working.
Cus my body not even supposed to know I got this shit.
I’m taking my meds. But what if this virus isn’t intimidated by my current reigime anymore?
O M G. Then that means that I’m dangerous to other people again.
All of these thoughts start going through my head all because of this dime-sized dry patch that I have on my thigh.
So of course, I googled “HIV and skin rashes”.
The first article I come across is this one from Medicalnewstoday.com, where it states:
Alright so it probably IS this stupid virus.
Tip: Make sure your sources are at least reputable.
But that doesn’t tell me nothing I didn’t already suspect.
I need to know what the hell is going on here. So I search some more.
Healthline.com has this to say:
Either way I’m screwed. If it ain’t the virus itself, it’s the damn medicine.
So now, I’m sitting in the middle of my bed with my legs crossed staring at this spot on my thigh, with feelings of revulsion.
This patch could be because of my HIV infection.
But you know what else it could be?
Or hell, even something like psoriasis.
Shit, I don’t know.
The point is, is that it could be anything.
What not to do: Do not try to self diagnose. Just go to the doctor. Google can’t save you anyways.
So of course imma get this checked out. You know, let my doctor figure it out.
I just wanna throw this out there:
Although I have HIV and this thing on my leg isn’t pretty; I’m still not a threat to you.
I’m just trying to give y’all the good, the bad, and the ugly of what it is like walking my path.
Anyways, I’m about to make me a concoction of coconut oil, shea butter, and Jamaican black castor oil.
Not because I found it on the internet or nothing.
But more so because my skin is dry as shit and we got stuff for that.
+ Ci Ci +